Homemade bagels: practically worth it!

I've been wanting to make homemade bagels for a while now.  I really don't know why.  I have this memory of my mom making them once when I was little and them tasting something like bagels straight from Jesus' beautiful Jewish fingertips.

Something feels wrong about that last sentence.  Huh.

Anyways, I found a recipe online for easy, fast bagels.  And I have to say, they turned out pretty decent.

But really.  Just decent.  Not bad though.

Here's the recipe, courtesy of food.com.

Ingredients:

• 2 1/2 cups bread flour
• 1/2 teaspoon instant dry yeast
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup lukewarm water (varies depending on type of flour and weather)

As written, this recipe makes 6 bagels.  I doubled everything, so I made 12.  I also only had like 2 cups of bread flour, so for the rest I used all purpose.  Tomato, tomato.

That doesn't work when you write it down.

Start by mixing the water, sugar, and yeast in a bowl.  The water really does have to be lukewarm--too cold and the yeast won't activate, too hot and you'll kill it.

Like a kitten!
...Wait.

Fully dissolve the yeast and let it sit a minute, then add the other ingredients, slowly stirring in the flour.  It should end up looking something like this--

Uh oh.

Yep, you know what this means, kids.

KNEADING TIME!!!!!

15 goddamned minutes of it.  Shoot me.

Start with a clean, floured surface.

Fun fact.  I hid a message in the flour.  Can you see it?*

Turn out your dough and start kneading.  Make sure your hands are floured and that you have a little water on hand in case your dough gets too stiff.  Here is my kneading progression.  Beginning--

Gorgeous.

Halfway done--

I really did go 15 minutes.  Even though this looked
PERFECTLY FINE.**

Aaaaaand done.

Wait, wha---OH DEAR GOD NO.

Once your dough is kneaded, divide it up into 12 even balls.  While you're doing this, keep whatever dough you aren't working with covered with a clean, damp towel to keep it from drying out.

Heh.  Balls.

Shape the balls into bagel shapes.  I found that the easiest way to do this was poking a hole in the middle and stretching them out.  Make the holes pretty big, because these puff up.  Place them on a lightly floured baking sheet, cover them with plastic wrap and a towel, and let them rise for 15-30 minutes.

"Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits!  It says 'oooooo.'"
"Peter, those are Cheerios."

While the bagels rise, preheat your oven to 375º and bring a large, half-full pot of water with a tablespoon of sugar mixed in to a simmer.  That means it's not quite boiling, but there is some definite bubble action trying to take place.  If you have toppings you want to put on your bagels, get those ready by pouring them into a shallow dish.  I like everything bagels, so I used some steak seasoning.

I set the grinder on "coarse," and later ate
entire peppercorns.

Around this point, I checked on my bagels and they didn't seem to be doing anything.

They didn't so much rise as...not...rise.

I was kind of sick of waiting for bagels to puff up, so I just started the next step.  Place a bagel in the simmering water (it will float.)  Let it sit for 15 seconds, then flip it and give it 15 seconds on the other side.

They get all funny and slimy.

Remove the bagel with a slotted spoon and blot the excess water with paper towels.  If you want toppings, press the bagel into the topping dish.  Place the bagels on a lightly greased baking sheet.

Heeeeere's everything!

And here's NOTHING.

Bake the bagels until they are lightly browned, about 15 minutes.  The bottoms should look like this--

Fun fact: I burned my fingers getting this shot.

As you can see, the bagels plumped up nicely in the oven and the holes didn't look so dumb anymore.

My friend Colin came over, and we went and got delicious Wegman's deli cream cheese to grace my beautiful bagels.

Crappy bagel glamour shot: took three takes.
  I hate my camera sometimes.

These bagels got Colin's seal of vague approval.

Or apprehension.  Tomato, tomato.
DAMN IT.

We really did like these bagels, and they were fun and easy to make (not to mention pretty cheap.)  I would definitely make them again.  They tasted better than preservative-packed bagels in a bag, and about even with bagels from a normal deli.  Until you chomp down on a whole peppercorn and your tongue hurts.

Now a sponsored message from Blanket.

Hi Blankies.  This is your fearless leader speaking.  Just wanted to let you know that I love you, and that you reading my blog makes me happy.  I hit 1000 views sometime last week, and attempted to make a screenshot, but somehow just made a 6 page PDF file.  Either way, I saved it, and that's what counts.

I just wanted to let you all know that Blanket Blog is an interactive place.  Have you always wanted a tutorial on a certain food?  Do you have a favorite recipe you want me to make?  Leave a comment, and I will try them out (if I can find the ingredients.  Remember, I live in East Jesus Nowhere.)  My only requirement is that the recipe is vegetarian.

Remember, Blanket Blog is both my blog and your blog.  Just mostly mine.

I LOVE YOU GUYS.  Here's some footnotes.

*No I didn't.

**By my standards, which are kind of low.

***Were you just looking for the third footnote reference?