It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas (cookies. HA!)

Your intrepid blogger has returned home for winter break.  It's comforting to sit around all day in my bed on my computer oh wait that's exactly what I always do.

A lot of my friends get excited to have home-cooked meals on breaks.  My excitement is more caused by the knowledge that here, my burner won't light on fire and my microwave won't take twenty minutes to half-cook a frozen burrito.  I take joy in the little things.

I also take joy in the big things, and the biggest thing EVER is a week from tomorrow!  It's Christmas time, Blankies!

(Side note: I decided that, as my fame grows, I, like Lady Gaga, needed a name for the members of my rapidly growing fan base of people who totally aren't just my mom.  First person with a "Little Blankie" tattoo gets a restraining order signed by yours truly!  Get on that, Blankies.)

Anyways, Christmas time means Christmas cookies.  And Christmas cookies means my mom making everything except pizzelles.

Pizzelles are Blanket turf.

For those of you who don't know, pizzelles are flat cookies made in a machine kind of like a waffle maker.  They are usually flavored with vanilla or anise.  And they are mighty tasty.

Just to whet your appetite.
Where does that phrase even come from?
Whet is a weird word.
I digress.

First off, to make pizzelles, you will need a pizzelle maker.  Unfortunately, I don't see any way around that.  A quick google search brought up a bunch of models you can get for around $40, and stores tend to have them this time of year.  If purchasing a pizzelle maker is out of the question, enjoy the rest of this blog vicariously.

I used the recipe that came with my maker.  Seeing as our model is about 20 years old and I doubt Pizzelle Chef brand will come after me, I'm sharing the recipe with you.

I'm like cute, food-related wikileaks guy.

Here is the recipe from the kitchen of the Vitantonio manufacturing company (is that even a thing anymore?)


Classic pizzelles-
6 eggs
3 1/2 c flour
1 1/2 c sugar
2 Tbsp. vanilla or anise (I used vanilla)
1 c melted margarine (I used butter.  Don't try to substitute oil.  Their words, not mine.)
4 tsp. baking powder

Beat eggs, adding sugar gradually until smooth.

Add cooled margarine and vanilla or anise.

Sift flour and baking powder.

Blend into egg mixture until smooth.  Dough will be sticky enough to be dropped by spoon. (LIES.)

Bake in pizzelle baker.  Makes approximately 60 pizzelles.


This recipe doesn't quite work.  When you make it as written, you end up with this.

Here's where I made a phallic joke, and
 Mama West got annoyed.

That dough isn't getting dropped by any spoons any time soon, so you'll need to thin it out with milk.  Add a LITTLE BIT at a time.  Like a tablespoon or two.  Keep adding milk and stirring until it looks a little more like this--

Smooth as a baby's bottom.
That one's actually pretty gross.  Who comes up with these?

Once you have your batter, it's prep time.  Years of pizzelle making have taught me that the hardest part is having enough space prepared to lay them out to dry.  First, I set up a pizzelle station, which includes a cooling rack to keep them on until they're cool enough to be put on the counter.  A-like so.

Shit's getting real.

Then, clear off counter space and cover it with paper towels or unfolded napkins.  You have to lay the cookies out flat for awhile, or else they won't get firm.  A-like SO.

Really real.  For real.  Really.

Have a stop watch or a clock with a second hand nearby.  I used my phone's stopwatch.  When your pizzelle maker is heated up, use a spoon to drop a lump of batter in each side of the mold.  It may take a few tries to figure out how much batter you need to use.

Lookin' good.

Close your maker and let the cookies bake for however long yours requires.  Mine cooks in 30 seconds, but it's also super old, so new makers may be different.  They should look like this when you open it-

Pretty!

Throw away the first two cookies, because the maker probably gets gunky being stored away all year.  Or do what I did, and feed them to your dogs.

Before you judge me, remember they choose
to eat poop.

Forewarning-- If you give a dog a cookie, you deal with this the rest of the time you're cooking--

It gets creepy after awhile.

Baking pizzelles is really easy, as long as you stay on top of them and make sure you have space.  I filled up two countertops.

OH GAHD THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.

You can stop here and enjoy your cookies, or go for the wow factor.

Sprinkles=culinary jazz hands.

First, melt some chocolate chips.  Do this slowly.  15 second increments.  Stir after each one.  Do not attempt to thin the chocolate.  Not even with butter.  I know it totally makes sense.  Don't.  This will happen.

This is called seizing.  And your mommy cannot fix it.
 Even if you whine. Trust me.

After you mess up and seize your chocolate, melt some more.  The drizzling technique took a few tries, but eventually i put the chocolate in a zip-lock bag, trimmed a corner, and used it like a pastry bag.  Here's the method I settled on.

FANCY.

Drizzle across the cookie in one direction.  Let the drizzles fall off the edge.  This will let the eater know that their baker had a devil-may-care attitude, and that this cookie was made by a rebel.

FANCIER!

Drizzle again at a slightly different angle (not 90º.)  At this point, the eater will say, "These cookies look incredible!  At what culinary institute was your baker trained?"

And you will say, "The school of life."  And they will feel ashamed.

You can either stop here, and  end up with cookies like this--

Nom.

Or go ahead and add sprinkles.

Om nom nom.

Just for fun, here is the evolution of my drizzling technique.  I call this one "The Spoon Drizzle Followed By Frustration And Smearing."

Classy.

I call this one "The Nervous One Direction First Drizzle With The Pastry Bag Drizzle."

Good effort.  No soul.

Also, just for fun, I made this one.  Can anyone guess what I was making a picture of?

Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?

It's clearly the DNA of a bacteriophage virus attacking a prokaryote.  Ya buncha nerds.